22. A Quick Interlude: Sam's Guide To Internet Usage Abroad For Dummies

Internet cafes are for idiots. This is of course if you have a smartphone. Though using internet while abroad on such phones is also for idiots since one look at google maps costs 5 pounds. So what is there for clever people with smartphones Sam? Yes, well done, that is the question. What smart guys with smart phones who need internet in other countries do (yes, I realise a very precise niche of people) is knock on every door in whatever town they're in, telling people they are lost and that they would like to connect to their wifi until someone lets them in. In my experience this seems to take somewhere between 5 minutes to an hour. Though sometimes it is impossible, as you may find yourself in a town that seems to serve as a kind of retirement community and no-one in this area will have even heard of the internet. The impatient among you please do not be deterred by such areas as they may still prove to be fruitful; these retired types have helpful souls and will wish to help you in your quest in whatever other ways they can. Often their attempts to be helpful can be a little long-winded, irrelevant and time-costly, but finding yourself at the end of a street with 4 apples and 5 Milka bars of varying flavours and size is a reward easily worth half an hour of elderly ramblings.  

When all is said and done, it is when your phone detects a wireless network, and it is when a woman in her late 40s to early 50s opens the door, yes my friends, it is only then when you know you have truly succeeded in your task. You've hit the jackpot and it's time to collect your dividends earned from this so very patiently played game of trial and error. Often is the case with these women that their children have moved out, but the maternal urge to care still burns brightly. You will have coffee together while you animatedly describe the details of your escapades to someone who actually really wants to listen. You will be offered food, a shower, and cleaned clothes, with no choice in accepting any of these gifts. You will have a merry time and will leave rejuvenated, fresh and ready to take on the next chapter of your adventure and whatever it holds.

Indeed internet cafes are for idiots, and this section is dedicated to all the ladies and families who opened their houses to me when I was just a lost, hungry boy looking for the way home. Thank you all.